2007, First Time by Lifehouse

What's with that year? Hearing this song, all those memories from 2007 came rushing back. I finished college, left home and started a new life away. Home was where I don't want to be. Those were the times that I was so alone, deepening my lack of self respect but it kept me going. Friends were having the time of their lives. As for me, my meager existence is just nothingness. 

Work was just something routine that kept me alive, but I think I did well. I guess its one of the things I enjoyed. I could stare at the screen all day and not worry about dinner. No responsibilities. Oh, not really, I have to send money somewhere and back home. I didn't really care. All I cared about is not having to depend on someone. I was alone, but I liked it.

Now, I'm honestly feeling more alone. I didn't want anything to do with my family anymore. On the other hand, I'm trying to make it work with my wife and my son. Still I'm alone, but they mean the world to me.

i found the following blog entry:


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Pretend You Can Hear Me: 21 very short stories 1 Charles: It’s raining here Rosa: Here too Charles: It’s not the same rain Rosa: I know 2 Charles: You’re back on Charles: I was waiting Charles: Did you go see the movie Rosa: I just got back Rosa: I kept thinking I could lean over and whisper to you Charles: But mine started a half hour after yours Charles: You would have given things away Rosa: I could have lied Charles: You’re mischievous Rosa: Tell me what you liked about it Charles: How do you know I liked it Rosa: I know your brain. 3 Rosa: Sometimes I don’t believe you’re real Charles: How could I not be real Charles: I’m talking to you right now Rosa: Yes, but it’s just typing Rosa: I can’t smell you 4 Rosa: Pretend you can hear me Charles: I can always hear you Rosa: Pretend I’m singing to you Charles: Sing me a lullaby Rosa: I’m singing now Rosa: My voice is scratchy, it sounds mournful Charles: Lullabies are like that Rosa: I’m getting to the end now Charles: I’m almost asleep 5 Rosa: It’s lunchtime here, cook for me Charles: I don’t understand Rosa: If you were here Rosa: Cook for me Charles: Oh, of course Charles: There’s a cast iron pan on the stove right now Charles: It’s got Chantarelles cooking in a little cream and black pepper Rosa: Mmmm Charles: Then, pumpkin soup…with chick peas and…escarole Rosa: I like food that’s orange Charles: Grass-fed beef, encrusted with pepper Rosa: I like it rare Charles: Carrots and turnips with it Rosa: Do I get dessert Charles: You always do 6 Rosa: What if this was all there was Charles: I don’t get it Rosa: If we had no bodies Rosa: No voices Rosa: Just words Charles: Ghosts with keyboards Rosa: Yes 7 Charles: They need me to stay Rosa: No Charles: I can’t help it Rosa: You could say no Charles: I can’t Rosa: Why not Charles: I’m tired of this, it’s always like this 8 Rosa: The birds in the linden tree are chirping like mad Charles: There’s traffic growling Charles: Someone is yelling Charles: People are honking their horns Rosa: The fridge is rumbling Charles: The maid is vacuuming the hallway Rosa: Some girls are jumping doubledutch, those chants they do Rosa: The thwacks of the rope, clapping Charles: The bed is thumping in the room next door 9 Charles: I’d put the heel of my hand in the hollow where your ribs meet Rosa: I’d wrap my hand around your neck Charles: I’d fuck your armpit Rosa: I’d untie your shoes 10 Charles: Remember when we met Rosa: It was someone’s birthday, that bar Charles: You said, this bar is awful Rosa: And you said, I’m leaving come with me Charles: We walked across the bridge Rosa: You said, I could talk to you all night Charles: It was true Rosa: And then you had to catch a plane Charles: By the time we first kissed, it was what, two months later Rosa: And I already knew you, from talking like this 11 Rosa: I’m tired of this Rosa: The bed is too cold without you Charles: Did you make a fire Rosa: No, that’s your job Rosa: I put on a sweater Rosa: All my sweaters smell like you 12 Charles: I can see that you’re on Charles: Why aren’t you answering me 13 Rosa: There’s something I never asked you before Charles: Ask me now Rosa: When you got off the plane, that first time you came back Rosa: When you saw me waiting Charles: You were wearing a brown dress Rosa: No, it was blue Rosa: Weren’t you afraid Charles: Afraid of what Rosa: That it wouldn’t work Charles: Why does it matter if I was afraid Charles: I’m here, I’m with you Rosa: You’re not here, you’re there 14 Charles: I thought I saw you in a crowd today Rosa: That’s impossible Charles: I know but I wanted it to be true 15 Rosa: Read to me Charles: That’s a lot of typing 16 Rosa: Oh good, you’re still up Charles: What’s wrong, it’s so late there Rosa: I had a nightmare Charles: Tell me Rosa: I dreamed I was waking up but I couldn’t open my eyes Rosa: And then it was so dark, and I couldn’t see then either Rosa: I kept trying to turn on the light but it was broken Charles: It was just a dream Rosa: I know Charles: Do you want me to call you Rosa: No, just promise me I’m not going blind Charles: Your eyes are perfect 17 Charles: I took the wrong train today Charles: And it reminded me of that time Rosa: Yes Rosa: I remember too 18 Rosa: Now we’re both away Charles: The house is all alone Rosa: It feels different talking to you from here Rosa: Instead of from there Charles: What does your room look like Rosa: Hotel rooms all look the same Charles: It’s foggy here Rosa: Here too Charles: It’s not the same fog Rosa: I know 19 Charles: I found it Rosa: What Charles: The picture you put between the pages of my book Rosa: Ah, slow reader Rosa: I don’t even remember which one I chose Charles: You’re looking at me Rosa: You must have shot it Charles: Yes, we were in the park Charles: You’re looking at me that way you do Rosa: What way Charles:Your eyes are warm when you look at me Rosa: I’m looking at you now 20 Charles: We won’t talk Charles: First you’ll close your eyes Rosa: Yes Charles: I’ll pick up your hair and smell the air underneath, where it meets your neck Rosa: Yes Charles: I’ll rest my head between your shoulder blades Rosa: No more, stop there Charles: You want me to leave you there Rosa: No, not at all Rosa: I want not to know what’s going to happen next Charles: You always want that 21 Charles: What if you had been in the next room this whole time Rosa: But you know I’m not, I’m here Charles: But just pretend Rosa: Well, if I knew that I was in the same hotel Rosa: In the room next door to you Rosa: But you didn’t know Rosa: That would be cruel Charles: What if neither of us knew Rosa: That would be beautiful

all i could think all the time is the pain of not being able to touch you.

Earth

Help Save Mother Earth

making decisions

The room echoes saying that it's empty.
Yes and so do I.

I didn't know that when you empty the room, the echoes can be this deafening.

Suddenly it's silence and you realize that it hurts so bad leaving.

the test

why is there so much test of might?

an endless test of patience?

I'm not happy.

and I have no choice to give up.

Fail

It is very rare for me to ask for something, but I always fall short to getting what I wanted.

It's like wasting so much energy for hopes and wishes that will never come true.

I will never ask for anything ever again.

Is there anything much worst than that?